My life plan

 

My life plan right now ends in February/March.  With my contract being up

I have to be ready to either be re-hired or hit the sidewalk.  I will get my statistics stellar to do that.  I have to save my money and get my taxes done, my divorce done and get a credit card.  Only then can I be able to rent or buy a car.  I will use my existing resources to grow.  This includes making clothes, toys and study for my A+.  Right now is not the time to change the situation. I am in the right position/location to build and handle the future change. If my job keeps me from doing other work, then the job has to make me more money. I'm worth 15 bucks an hour and I will get back there again. I will not let myself seclude.  I am out, I am proud, I am happy to be me. Nothing will stop that.  I will keep myself healthy, keep up my masculine and feminine image. I don’t have a huge list of to-do’s, so I will work at it one by one till all is complete.

It's been over ten months since the last time i slept with the now ex-wife.  I've become more aware of the desire for companionship again, finally.  Even with my trans side.. I'm not desiring a man or a TG.  I really miss the closeness of women.  I know, it sounds like i'm going 'nilla.  But sometimes when restarting.. the basics are best.   Being owned for the past 6 months has helped keep my focused and recouperating with trust, respect and duty.  But my independent nature has earned me a release.  I now crave a good job, my own place, and wheels to get around with.  I am alive, and kicking, and wanting zest again.  Lets see what's out there... engage!

It's been awhile since the vent post.  I'm doing much better now.  I've had the chance to get out as Shayla to a party.  I've also changed my  emotional model.  For the longest time, I've used an image to be strong in the toughest of times.  That image was Worf, the mighty Klingon: unwavered by pain, noble, courageous and strong.   But that hasn't always reinforced my willpower on things.  I have found a softer and passionate way to do the same.  I call it "will and deanna", after the long, strong, passionate, connected relationship between Riker and Troi on Star Trek.  THere are other deep emotions better than primal and defensive.  I will elaborate on this later. ANd post a rant on poor makeup!  Cheers.

Emotions. Feelings. They overwhelm and destabilize, but you can't live without them. They are a blessing and a curse. When one is raised in a rather barren emotional environment, that is what they become accustomed to. I ask myself uncountable times if the paths I've taken in my life have been but for a quest to grasp and integrate that which i seem to not have. Like seeking to go beneath logic to the primal through masochistic avenues. Having a budding alternate gender growing day by day in stark contrast to what already exists. Finding fault within myself for this is how I was raised. Accepting uniqueness and the need to grow and understand is what I desire. That desire broke me free from my isolation last summer. I found someone to trust implicitly, someone who helped crack the emotional barriers. I found what submission truly is. Everything about you united in one thought and desire. Actually I found it in two ways. Through submission and faith. Implicit trust in the intangible.

But it seems that old habits die hard. It is like what is best can't last long term. I regress. I get to a point where a catharsis is needed. And with someone that I trust, I probably could of asked for that absolution. But I did not. I treated my responsibilities like a penance. And I guess like a devout patriarchial follower I became a grumpy reverent vessel of quiet negative energy. I achieved one goal, and that was not to lose someone to a betrayal of trust. Nor did I let them down.. I let myself down. I compounded my focus on my responsibilities with a job. That is a fact of life, and one cannot build a new future without it. But how you juggle things is the finesse point. My juggling left me tired, and my attempts to steel and rally the muster to finish tasks blunted my emotional output and my submission. On that point,

Sometimes it seems that we are going down the right path. But as events speed up, we lose exact track of where we are, where we've been and where we were going. What were the goals again? It was inevitable that I would find work again. And the job has given me the freedom to get closer to some goals. Primarily developing my Wiccan beliefs and achieving the feminine image that I so desire.

This is my first entry on a second blog (the "3-legged stand for a camera" provider blog sucked!)